Reality is setting in

I don't even know that I can put my true emotions out in the open. So please forgive me if I put a wall of sugared cement around my feelings and give you the version of my emotions that I think people can handle to hear.

A few key people in my life are holding me up. These people are using chopsticks and supporting my wobbly being. I stumble a little and then they silently work together to pick up a little more weight with each chop stick. Weird analogy I know but this is a weird situation.

I am reevaluating every molecule of my being right now. What matters and what doesn't matter. I thought that I knew that family, love and true friends are important but now I feel this racing through me. Its the only thing in my life that is racing right now. Everything is in an odd and uncomfortable slow motion that is somehow still on fast forward. It does not make sense but I need to get all of this out. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because I don't know how I would ever get all of these emotions out in sentences. My life is disorganized in every sense. Figuring out the smallest thing good or bad seams impossible. I fear for him when he comes back. I feel the need to leech onto him and just absorb everything that is him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to make amazing memories and take away all of his pain.

Why is it that they have to go through this and we have to sit back and watch? This is excruciating. The blanks in our conversations are huge and I try not to fill them in. We both know that we want to keep the blanks there to make the conversations as light and loving as possible but the blanks are so loud. I don't want him to go through this. I would do anything to go through this with him. I would give anything to stand by his side forever. I wish I could be there for every bad thing that he does or does not experience. At least then I can just hug him and say that I know what he is going through because I feel it to. Instead I am here on his safe pedestal trying to act "normal" while the blanks have crashed my world around me. Even my passions are numbed right now. I feel that when I get the strength to do what I am supposed to do I will do it with so much passion and less hesitation. Family and love are so important.

My heart aches for him. Work and the "normal" demand my attention right now.

Life.Army.LOVE