Panic

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.” ~ Mother Teresa

This quote is the essence of how I feel today. I was feeling pretty good this morning which surprised me after last nights mini breakdown about all areas of my life feeling like they are in limbo. I was lying down in bed with him this morning and feeling close to him and enjoying feeling somewhat calm without much panic or life reflection, a rare occurrence lately. I was staring at him in awe as he said he loved me over and over. What a beautiful sound.

Then the phone rings.

The receptionist from the hospital is calling me to remind me about my appointment at the hospital that I knew absolutely nothing about. The receptionist calmly says that they must not have my mailing address up-to-date on file and I should update it when I come in on Monday. I knew that an appointment would be coming but I expected it months from now. Apparently the testing that I am going in for is pretty common as 1 in 10 women have to go for it but I really don't feel that way right now. I don't even want to be exposed to myself lately, let alone some specialist doctor and his entourage of medical equipment and nurses. Thoughts of precancerous cells and cancer are racing through my head along with thoughts of waiting for my test results as soon as he leaves me. I go against my family doctor's ban on Internet research and try to soothe myself with some statistics that are posted by god knows who. Of course I read into the fine print and rare occurrence and possible treatment and see that I would have to avoid strenuous exercise for 2 to 4 weeks. What about my 90 day exercise plan and my beach body for our vacation in the Dominican half way through tour?

Breathe, just breathe. Boy, God must trust me a lot.

After about five years of inactivity in regards to the crazy break-up of my parents twenty year relationship things are now starting to get legal. It terrifies me. I have not spoken to my father in over four years and my mom has not spoken to him or barely spoken of him since "the incident". She called him the other day for the first time since the breakup. I tried not the listen from the other room but of course my ears just would not cooperate. The call went less than desirable but at least it was not as drastic as and extreme as their last encounter.

Today I have to try to get back to me. I have two photoshoots today with two clients that I adore. Perhaps some tidying, a nice bath, some make-up and setting up the lights in the studio will make today fall into place. In order to have a successful shoot I need to be relaxed and creative. After all I would not have been given the opportunity to photograph people today if I couldn't handle it right?


Life.Army.Love