Day 2: Healthy Mumbo-Jumbo and Emotional Chaos

I am the textbook definition of the deployment stage: emotional disorganization. Yesterday I had every intention of attacking my to do list but that just didn't happen. Every time I blinked another hour had gone by. Its like I was standing above my to-do list and poking it with a stick. To soothe myself this morning I got up and did the most important things first, soothed a coughing Mo, fed the cats, scooped the litter box, e-mailed our travel agent and did the dishes. Its still only 7:20am.

He called me last night to say that he arrived over there. I cannot begin to explain how outputting the phone lines are. The only way I can begin to explain it to you is to say it was like we were sending voice text messages back and forth. I resisted the urge to ask him what country he was in as soon as I answered the phone because a huge part of me was afraid of the answer. My unasked question got answered within seconds of our first contact since he left. No amount of research or guidance from anyone can prepare you for this. It was so amazing but I felt the most intense guilt for a long list of reasons. I have no idea what energy source my mind or body were feeding off yesterday but I had a good day somehow. I promised myself that I would not allow myself to curl up in a corner and be overpowered by my own destructive thoughts or fears about things that are out of my control. I am working really hard at taking care of myself. You cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. I stuck to my meal plan yesterday except for one questionable choice and I could not believe how much more energized this has made me. I also worked out hard for an hour. I felt so guilty for being so excited about all of these things. I felt guilty for not spending at least one day in my pajamas crying in his sweatshirt and just sniffing his pillow which still smells exactly like him. Instead I thought about him while I drank my first chunky protein shake, made Ms. N and Ms. K laugh at work, ate plain salad and a protein bar for lunch because I was unprepared, finished my work day off while helping irritating customers, got comforted at supper with Ms. N at a restaurant and wondered what he would order, and tried to master my workout and every rep as I pictured him trying to correct me on some workout that neither of us have tried. I laugh to myself even now as I picture him trying to correct my form on each exercise to make sure I don't get hurt, if I were not in so much pain from doing the exercise wrong I would love to tell him that his butt is up in the air too. Yes Mr. P I am engaging my core and yes I can feel that. In an odd way it felt like he was there all day long. I feel guilty that its not me over there and not him here at home. I think he would pass the time away better than I can if the tables were turned. I assume that he would watch lots of movies, work out, play video games and send me the best care packages ever.

Lets hope this mornings protein shake and my omelet give me energy from the same energy from the same place I got it from yesterday. I am really craving that healthy feeling right now.

I love him more than every speck of sand that he is surrounded by.

Life.army.love