Being sick has kept me more than occupied. I feel terrible and I just want to have a bit of relief. Will this tense feeling last for seven months? Please don't answer that because I believe that you should never ask a question that you can't handle the answer to.
The things he says and does even across continents soothes my soul. Just when I think I have lost my strength and I am grasping to make it through each hour he fills me up. He picks me up and puts me securely on the pretty little pedestal that he made for me a few years ago. Life is better up there. Life is not deflated on top of the pedestal but its a balancing game. My body and mind just want to crash and hide in that dear little corner that I promised myself I would never put myself in. Life would be easier there. From the corner I can look at the pedestal from afar and tell myself that I will crawl back up there when I feel healed but I refuse to do that. Somehow I keep telling myself that I am stronger than that.
The strong women around me mention that things are beginning to hit them now and I have to be honest that this scares me a little. Have things hit me yet? Or are things going to get worse when I realize that he is gone? I am pretty sure that things set in a long time ago... but maybe this is not the case. I really wonder how much more strength God is going to give me. Is there a limit because if there is I am sure that I am probably reaching it. I silently ask for strength with every breath I take some days.
It boggles my mind why there are no more tears. I would trade these dark bags under my eyes and sloppy ponytail for tears in a heartbeat. I miss looking like me. I miss looking like I look when he is standing by my side. You can never predict what things you will miss.
Here comes another day, I choose to stay on the pedestal today. The corner is dark and lonely and I don't think that I can ask God for enough strength to get me out of the corner this time.
Life.Army.Love
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You are a strong woman too Trina, think of the excersise plan, I could not even begin to imagine how you are doing that, ha ha. You are not in a dark corner, it's a dark hallway with a light at the end, and there are a few girls with you. ;) You are never alone.
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