Birthdays, Turkeys and Music

Its too early. Its a holiday. I am awake.

I am uncomfortable today. I am standing barefoot in front of a bed of hot coals and just waiting for my turn. I am watching the pain come in slow motion. I am fighting the urge to check off every item on my mile long to-do list even though I know that I would rather hang out with him. Life outside of my head feels too calm. Its like its not happening on the outside. I just want to look at him and make weekend plans but unfortunately I do not have that long. I will be facing months worth of weekends and every other day of the week on my own.

I am searching frantically through my music playlist to find a song that can soothe me so that I can get away from my self for just a few minutes. Its not working. I can't find a song to get lost in. I feel like I am getting punished. If I were talented in a musical way I would create songs about a happy couple who are separated by deployment. Songs about the sacrifices that stand in between now and my happily ever after.

Yesterday was my birthday and today is thanksgiving. I tried my best to feel happy while feeling numb at the same time. I expected to feel bitter but my bitterness is getting old. I think my bitterness towards things that go wrong may have been exchanged for thankfulness for things that go right. Such an odd time for personal growth.

I wonder what people are thankful for today.

Are people thankful to be Canadian? To live in a free country? To know that other Canadians are leaving their lives at home to fight for them? I am ashamed by the fact that I used to be against anything that had to do with the military. Could I be any more ignorant? There were so many Thanksgivings where I would have laughed in your face if you asked me if I was thankful for the our troops.

I do not blame my old self or the people who share my old views as all Canadians are not shown the difference between supporting our troops and supporting the politics behind the war. Whenever we were learning about the military in grade school and university I hid behind my "Make love not war" attitude. Did I slip through the cracks of the curriculum or was it not in the curriculum in the first place? Its karma. This Thanksgiving I feel like I am making up for every second of my life that I did not feel thankful for our troops in the past.

Life.Army.Love