Bateries not included

The writer's block that I thought that I had from time to time in university is nothing compared to the dry spell that I just went through with my blog. I thought about writing in my blog almost daily but I just could not come to terms either with what I was feeling or my perception of what I thought that people would think of what I say. I have reached a whole new level of change. I have started to come to terms with how I feel and I have decided that I will continue to purge my emotions online. I have no idea why I became so paranoid about what people around me were thinking of me, how I am dealing or not dealing with things and with all of the emotions that come along with tour.

I don't understand why I was trying to shelter and protect the exact emotions that I need to get out. I feel like I have never lived or experienced anything in life before this tour began. My life is forever changed. The only thing that I was right about in terms of tour was that it would be tough. If my life were a vinaigrette than my day to day busyness would be the oil and tour would be the vinegar. I knew that the two parts of my life would seemingly mix together but I never thought that they would be as inseparable as water and food coloring. There is no separating the two. I could write forever and not be able to explain or get the point of my analogy across.

My experience of tour is that it is all consuming. I do not even function in the same way as I once did. I know that I have my own goals and aspirations but they don't feel urgent right now. I just focus on making it out of the house clean and somewhat pulled together. That's what I aim to do. I wish I knew how to explain the difference in thought patterns or the lack thereof. I never really realized how noisy my own internal transcript was until it got shut off by the numbness of this experience. I have dramatically changed mentally in the past month and a half. I know that I am and will be OK. I just feel terrible that I am not there for all of my friends to lean on with all of the things that they have going on in their lives. I wonder if people around me know that I am not stable enough to help them out as I can barely help myself out. I am somewhat afraid of the fact that I will never be the same person as I was before this experience began. I have changed on lower less intense levels in the past but I truly believe that this has actually altered things deeply. I will not be the same person at the end of tour that I was when this started, this may sound obvious but you have no idea how not simple this is when you live it. I do not expect to go back to my normal way of living when tour is over as that way of living is gone now. The end of tour will hopefully mark a new beginning of a simple life that is guided by the drastic lessons that both him and I have learned in the year before tour ended.

I am purely exhausted and unable to either edit or continue this entry at the moment. I have decided to post it as is and not fuss about my grammar, lack of continuity, wordiness and sentence fragments. Military life does not come in a perfect package so why would I force my blog to be structured and confined? Lets be honest here all things in life do not have batteries included. Steps, stages, learning, pride, chaos, waiting, struggles, pain, confusion, worry and honesty included.

life.ARMY.LOVE