I've been inspired...

I've been inspired to write again.

I am beating myself up on the inside for not writing throughout tour and even in the first few months after tour. It all feels cloudy. I am afraid that I will never be able to help someone that is going through things similar to what I went through. Its all a blur. All of the color that was lacking in my entry entitled "White" has been compressed into the mesh of confusing colors that I am trying to sort out. I failed at helping the people and their families living through war when my fiancee returned safely in my arms.

The lack of help that I provided was not because of the following reasons:

- photography
- business
- clients
- working
- adjusting to moving
- spending lots of time with other people

I did not help because I did not know how to help. The "end" of tour is not what you expect it to be if you are looking at tour from the outside... or even from within tour. I wrongfully assumed that I would be able to be a strong "survivor" and be able to help my friends who were about to go through tour after me. What happens behind closed doors after tour is complicated and it makes me feel extremely guilty for expecting help from those who have gone through this in the past. Everyone just assumes that if tour is over... "the war is over". The war on the battlefield and its aftermath are far from over.

Let me be honest, I am afraid to post this entry. I am afraid of judgment. I worry that people will be like "well why didn't you call me", "you could have told me", and "I am here for you". My version of going through this changed the way I function on the inside and the reasoning of thinking of who to call, what to talk about and the ability to reach out for help just didn't and on some days doesn't exist. I also didn't want to admit outloud to any other military families that life on the other end of tour isn't a walk in the park. Five months ago I believed that life would be all glitter the day that tour "ended".

Think about it... can anyone involved really walk "away" from war... ever? It is unpredictable and we are all human... in our own way.

Life.Army.LOVE